Misgendering
Updated:Misgendering is the act of referring to or addressing a person using language that does not match their gender identity — using the wrong pronouns, gendered terms, titles, or names. It happens to transgender, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people most often, but anyone can be misgendered, including cisgender people whose appearance or voice gets read differently than expected. Misgendering ranges from an honest slip mid-sentence to a deliberate refusal to acknowledge someone's identity, and the impact varies accordingly. Understanding how it happens, why it matters, and how to repair it is a practical skill for anyone who wants to treat people with respect.
What is Misgendering?
Misgendering means using words that assign a person to a gender they do not identify with. The most common form is using incorrect pronouns — calling a woman "he," or a person who uses they/them "she." It also includes gendered honorifics ("sir," "ma'am," "Mr.," "Ms."), gendered nouns ("ladies," "guys," "you two boys"), and, when someone's name reflects their gender, using a name they no longer go by.
The reference point for whether something counts as misgendering is the person's own gender identity — not their legal documents, their voice, their body, or assumptions based on how they look. A person's stated pronouns and identity are the authority on how to refer to them. When language matches that identity, the person is being gendered correctly; when it does not, they are being misgendered.
Misgendering is distinct from simply not knowing someone's pronouns. Not knowing is a gap in information, easily closed by asking. Misgendering occurs when language is applied that contradicts a known or stated identity, or when an assumption is made and turns out to be wrong. The act itself is value-neutral as a category — it can be a genuine accident or a deliberate act — but its effect on the person depends heavily on which it is and how it is handled.
Intentional vs Accidental Misgendering
The single most important distinction in understanding misgendering is whether it was intentional. The word looks the same on the page, but the two are different acts with different ethical weight.
Accidental Misgendering
Accidental misgendering happens when someone uses the wrong language by mistake — out of habit, from an old association with the person, or because they did not yet know the person's pronouns. This is extremely common, especially in the period after someone comes out or transitions, when friends and family are unlearning years of practice. Brains run on autopilot, and old patterns surface before the new one is automatic.
Accidental misgendering still has an impact — it can sting even when no harm was meant — but it is generally understood as a normal part of adjustment. What matters most is the response: a brief correction and a continued effort to do better. Most transgender and non-binary people are patient with honest mistakes, particularly from people who are visibly trying.
Intentional Misgendering
Intentional misgendering is the deliberate use of incorrect language despite knowing a person's gender identity. It can be overt (refusing to use someone's pronouns as a statement) or passive-aggressive (a pointed "mistake" repeated after correction). Unlike an accident, intentional misgendering is a way of communicating rejection of the person's identity — telling them, in effect, that their gender is not real or not respected.
This is the form that crosses into discrimination and harassment. When it is persistent, targeted, and unwelcome, it can contribute to a hostile environment at work, at school, or in housing, and may have legal consequences in jurisdictions that recognize gender identity as a protected characteristic.
Common Ways Misgendering Happens
Incorrect Pronouns
Pronouns are the most frequent site of misgendering. Using "he" for a woman, "she" for a man, or binary pronouns for someone who uses they/them or neopronouns (such as ze/zir or xe/xem) all misgender the person. Pronoun errors are also the easiest to make accidentally, because pronouns are used constantly and reflexively in everyday speech. The fix is straightforward: learn the person's pronouns, and if you do not know them, ask or use the person's name until you do.
Gendered Terms and Honorifics
Beyond pronouns, language is full of gendered shortcuts. Honorifics like "sir," "ma'am," "Mr.," "Mrs.," and "Ms." assign gender, as do collective terms like "ladies," "guys," "gentlemen," and "girls." Service and hospitality settings are common sources of this kind of misgendering, where staff default to "sir" or "ma'am" based on a split-second read of a customer. Gender-neutral alternatives — "folks," "everyone," "y'all," "friends," or simply addressing someone without a gendered title — sidestep the problem entirely and cost nothing.
Names and Deadnaming
When a transgender person changes their name to match their gender, using their former name is called deadnaming. Because a name often carries gendered associations, deadnaming functions as a form of misgendering and is experienced as especially invalidating — it reaches back into a person's history to override their current identity. Deadnaming can be accidental (an old contact entry, a long-standing habit) or intentional (a refusal to acknowledge the change). As with pronouns, the correct reference point is the name the person uses now, in every context, including when they are not present.
Why Misgendering Is Harmful
Psychological Impact
Being misgendered, particularly when it is frequent or deliberate, is associated with measurable psychological strain. Research on transgender and non-binary populations links chronic misgendering to higher rates of anxiety, depression, and minority stress — the cumulative burden of navigating a world that repeatedly questions or denies your identity. Each instance can feel like a small denial of self, and the effect compounds. Studies of transgender youth consistently find that being addressed by the correct name and pronouns is associated with better mental health outcomes, including lower rates of depression and suicidal ideation.
The harm is not about hurt feelings in a trivial sense. It is about the experience of having a core part of who you are repeatedly overwritten by other people's assumptions or refusals. For someone whose identity has often been contested, correct gendering is a baseline form of recognition and safety.
The Cumulative Effect
A single accidental misgendering, promptly corrected, is usually a minor event. The harm scales with repetition and intent. Someone who is misgendered many times a day, across many settings, carries that as a constant low-grade stressor. When misgendering is deliberate, it adds the weight of knowing the other person is choosing to deny their identity. This is why the same words — "he" instead of "she" — can be a forgettable slip in one context and a serious harm in another. Context, frequency, and intent determine the impact.
Misgendering and the Law
Workplace Harassment
In many jurisdictions, gender identity is a protected characteristic under anti-discrimination law. In the United States, the Supreme Court's 2020 decision in Bostock v. Clayton County held that workplace discrimination on the basis of gender identity is a form of sex discrimination prohibited by Title VII of the Civil Rights Act. The U.S. Equal Employment Opportunity Commission has taken the position that intentional and repeated misgendering or deadnaming of an employee can contribute to a hostile work environment under that framework, particularly when it is persistent and unwelcome.
It is important to be precise here: an isolated, accidental mistake is not harassment. The legal concern is with conduct that is intentional, repeated, and severe or pervasive enough to create a hostile environment. Many employers also maintain their own conduct policies that address respectful treatment regardless of what the law strictly requires.
California and State-Level References
California is frequently referenced because it has comparatively strong protections. The California Fair Employment and Housing Act prohibits discrimination on the basis of gender identity and gender expression. California has also enacted provisions requiring respectful treatment of transgender and non-binary individuals in certain settings — for example, a 2017 law concerning long-term care facilities that addressed willful and repeated refusal to use a resident's preferred name or pronouns. Some such provisions have faced legal challenge on free-speech grounds, and the precise enforceability of any single rule can change over time.
The accurate summary is this: misgendering is generally not a crime in itself, and there is no broad law that makes a single mistaken pronoun illegal. What the law addresses is discrimination and harassment — patterns of intentional, repeated conduct in regulated contexts such as employment, housing, and certain care settings. Anyone with a specific legal question should consult a qualified attorney in their jurisdiction, since protections vary widely by state and country and continue to evolve.
How to Correct Yourself When You Misgender Someone
If you misgender someone, the most respectful response is also the simplest: correct yourself briefly and move on. Say the right word and continue — "He, sorry, she said she'd be late" — without a drawn-out apology. A short correction acknowledges the mistake and models the right language without forcing the person you misgendered to manage your guilt.
Over-apologizing is a common error. Long, anguished apologies center your own discomfort and put the misgendered person in the position of having to comfort you, which is the opposite of helpful. A quick "sorry" or a simple self-correction is enough. If you misgendered someone repeatedly or in a significant way, a brief private acknowledgment afterward is appropriate — "I realized I got your pronouns wrong earlier, I'm sorry, I'll be more careful" — and then the most meaningful thing you can do is simply get it right going forward. Practice, including silently rehearsing correct pronouns, genuinely reduces future errors.
How to Respond If You Are Misgendered
There is no obligation to correct misgendering, and how you respond is entirely your choice — including the choice to let it go. Safety, energy, and context all factor in. In some situations correcting someone is not safe; in others it is not worth the effort.
If you do choose to respond, a calm, matter-of-fact correction is often effective: "Actually, I use she/her," or "It's they, not he." Keeping it brief and neutral tends to work better than framing it as a confrontation, because it gives the other person an easy path to simply adjust. You can also enlist allies — a friend or colleague who corrects others on your behalf removes some of the burden. In settings like work or healthcare, you may prefer to address repeated misgendering through a manager, HR, or a patient-advocate channel rather than handling it in the moment. None of these options is more "correct" than the others; you get to decide what is worth your energy in each situation.
Misgendering in Professional and Medical Settings
Professional and medical environments carry particular stakes because the person being misgendered is often dependent on the service and not free to simply walk away. In healthcare, misgendering can be both distressing and clinically counterproductive — it erodes trust and is one of the documented reasons transgender and non-binary patients delay or avoid care. Records that list an incorrect name or gender marker, staff who use the wrong pronouns, and intake forms with only binary options all contribute.
Good practice in these settings is increasingly well established: ask for and record pronouns and the name a person uses; use that information consistently across staff and records; offer gender-neutral options on forms; and separate the legal-name field (needed for insurance and billing) from the name used in conversation. In workplaces, normalizing pronoun sharing in introductions and email signatures reduces assumptions and signals that the environment takes the issue seriously. The goal in both contexts is to make correct gendering the default rather than something a person has to fight for.
Self-Misgendering
Self-misgendering is when a person uses incorrect gendered language about themselves. It happens for several reasons. Sometimes it is habit — someone early in transition still reaching for the words they used for years. Sometimes it is protective, a way of pre-empting or deflecting in an unsafe environment. And sometimes it reflects internalized stigma, where a person has absorbed others' invalidation and turns it inward.
Self-misgendering is not a sign that a person's identity is less real, and it is not an invitation for others to misgender them too. The respectful response from people around them is to continue using the correct language regardless. For the person themselves, self-misgendering can be a source of distress worth talking through with a supportive friend or a gender-affirming therapist, particularly when it stems from internalized negativity rather than habit or safety.
Allyship and Prevention
The most effective prevention is to stop guessing gender from appearance. Defaulting to gender-neutral language until you know someone's pronouns — "they" for a stranger, "folks" instead of "guys," no honorific when one is not needed — removes most accidental misgendering before it happens. Sharing your own pronouns when you introduce yourself or in your email signature normalizes the practice and makes it easier for others to share theirs without singling anyone out.
When you witness someone else being misgendered, a quiet correction can help — but follow the misgendered person's lead, since not everyone wants attention drawn to it. The strongest form of allyship is consistency: using correct names and pronouns even when the person is not present, even when it is inconvenient, and even when no one would notice if you slipped. That consistency is what turns respect from a performance into a habit.
Examples
A colleague refers to a coworker who recently came out as "he" out of habit, immediately says "she, sorry," and continues the sentence. The coworker barely registers it because the correction was quick and unfussy — an example of accidental misgendering handled well.
A manager continues to call an employee by their former name and "he" weeks after being told the employee is a woman named differently, brushing off corrections. This is intentional, repeated, and the kind of conduct that can contribute to a hostile work environment under workplace anti-discrimination frameworks.
A restaurant host greets a non-binary guest with "right this way, sir." The guest says, "I actually use they/them," and the host adjusts: "Of course — right this way." A small accidental misgendering, corrected without friction.
A transgender patient's chart lists their old name, so a nurse calls it out in a crowded waiting room. The patient is outed and misgendered in front of strangers — an avoidable harm that a name-used field separate from the legal-name field would have prevented.
See Also
FAQ
What is misgendering?
Misgendering is referring to or addressing someone with language that does not match their gender identity — using the wrong pronouns, gendered terms like "sir" or "ma'am," titles, or a name that does not reflect who they are. It happens most often to transgender, non-binary, and gender-nonconforming people, but anyone can be misgendered. The reference point for what is "correct" is the person's own stated identity and pronouns, not their appearance, voice, or documents.
Is misgendering intentional or accidental?
It can be either, and the distinction matters a great deal. Accidental misgendering is an honest mistake — usually a slip of habit, common when someone has recently come out or transitioned. Intentional misgendering is deliberately using the wrong language despite knowing a person's identity, which functions as a rejection of that identity. Accidents are generally met with patience when corrected; intentional misgendering is the form that crosses into discrimination and harassment.
Is misgendering illegal?
Generally, no — misgendering is not a crime in itself, and there is no broad law that makes a single mistaken pronoun illegal. What the law does address is discrimination and harassment. In many places, intentional and repeated misgendering can contribute to a hostile environment in regulated contexts like employment, housing, or care facilities, where gender identity is a protected characteristic. An isolated accident is not harassment; the legal concern is with conduct that is intentional, repeated, and severe or pervasive.
Is misgendering illegal in California?
California has comparatively strong protections — the Fair Employment and Housing Act prohibits discrimination based on gender identity and expression, and a 2017 law addressed willful, repeated refusal to use a long-term care resident's preferred name or pronouns. But misgendering is still generally not a crime in itself. These provisions target intentional, repeated conduct in specific regulated settings, some have faced free-speech challenges, and enforceability can change over time. For a specific situation, consult a qualified attorney in your jurisdiction.
How do I apologize for misgendering someone?
Keep it short. Correct yourself in the moment — say the right word and continue, like "he, sorry, she said she'd be late" — without a long, anguished apology. Over-apologizing centers your own discomfort and forces the person you misgendered to comfort you. If it was significant or repeated, a brief private "I'm sorry, I'll be more careful" afterward is appropriate. Then the most meaningful thing you can do is simply get it right going forward; practice reduces future mistakes.
What should I do if I'm misgendered?
Whatever feels right and safe to you — there is no obligation to correct it. If you choose to respond, a calm, brief correction often works best: "Actually, I use she/her." Keeping it neutral gives the other person an easy way to adjust. You can also ask allies to correct others on your behalf, or address repeated misgendering through HR, a manager, or a patient advocate rather than in the moment. Safety and energy are valid reasons to let any individual instance go.
What is the difference between misgendering and deadnaming?
Misgendering is the broad category — using any language that does not match someone's gender identity, including wrong pronouns, gendered terms, and titles. Deadnaming is a specific form of it: using the former name of a transgender person who has changed their name. Because names carry gendered associations, deadnaming functions as misgendering and is often experienced as especially invalidating, since it reaches into a person's history to override their current identity. All deadnaming is a kind of misgendering, but not all misgendering involves a name.